So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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