I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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