also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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