So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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