I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
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Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
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He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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