Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
