How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
