I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
