If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
