The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
