I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
