Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
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They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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