Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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