So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
