I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
