I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
