I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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