doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
