May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
