I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
