I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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