I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
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