In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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