I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm passing your future prison.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
