oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
