franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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