How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
A bitchslap is in order.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
