Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
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