Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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