Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
