I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
