I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
