I'm gonna have a badass scar
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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