Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
