if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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