Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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