My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
