Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
