So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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