So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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