Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
