wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
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If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
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So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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