Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Two words: blizzard sex
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
