my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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