my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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