nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
