our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
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It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
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I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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