all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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