Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
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He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
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After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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