I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Randomize
