You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
