everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize